Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raising a teenager is like having a cat that only comes out to eat and hisses at you whenever you try to be nice to it.

   Our institution is a greedy piglet that suckles the taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

   Trojan is a terrible name for condoms. They’re basically named after something that penetrated the stronghold, then broke open and thousands of little guys poured out and messed up everyone’s day.

   Trying to breathe quietly while walking uphill, so bystanders don’t hear me fighting for my life.

   Life is like soccer, you can either use your head or use a good swift kick.

   My wife set parental controls on Netflix because I watched a show without her.

   There is nothing else to hope for, but for things to get better.

   ✅Convoy & Control✅

   Please take care. You could have Monkey Pox and not even realize it. You may be a-chimptomatic.

   I'm going to McDonald's for breakfast and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.

   The fact that anyone thought Todd Chrisley was straight is wild to me

   If it sucks so much, why do you keep coming back? It only sucks when you're here.

   Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven. . . If you're clumsy enough.

   Thinking is hard, perhaps you should leave that to your betters.

   It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.

   After all these years, I think I figured out Victoria’s Secret.... She’s hungry.

   Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you’re in.

   She will always remember this as the day she almost caught captain Jack Sparrow

   Only 3 things can make me run When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer", or "The free beer is on fire”

   I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.