Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I feel like I hit rock bottom...bouncer at the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night.

   I tried the Facebook Friend Finder and it showed me all the people who deleted me, I think its a tad bit faulty or should be renamed!

   thanx to my ex GF,I now have to shave between eyebrows because "stupid me" let her wax there one nite for sh*ts and giggles

   How many times do I have to roll my eyes to burn any calories?

   The more I think about the lack of thought I put into thinking makes me wonder what was I thinking.

   $3.88 until my Visa is maxed out. I'm struggling between the #4 at Burger King or shampoo.

   I've never been to jail, but I did get stuck in a pair of skinny jeans at an American Eagle once.

   I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!

   Do ducks play "me, me, goose"?

   no those pants don't make you look fat, it's your ass that makes you look fat.

   Wish you were here w/me n my room, on my bed, lights off, under my sheets. So that I can show you my new watch dat glows n da dark!

   Being out of shape takes the pressure off at the gym. When that pretty girls winks in your direction, you can be sure it's the toned guy behind you.

   I should shake this guy's hand, but I don't want to put down my beer, and honestly, I've known the beer at least 5 minutes longer.

   I just got back from a mile long walk in your shoes and I still think you're a douche bag

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis.

   When going through airport customs and you are asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "why, what do you need?"

   I accidentally swallowed a bunch of lego pieces. I'm just wondering if I'm gonna sh*t a brick tomorrow..

   1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?

   There's a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

   made two batches of brownies at a friend's house, one plain and one special. accidentally brought the wrong batch home to my very mormon mother. she's laughing her ass off at george carlin right now