Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your landlord finds all your dog collars and leashes, but you don’t have a dog. ~ I’m a kinky girl, I’m a very kinky girl.

   Talking to someone who decided to call instead of text: Yes, that’s correct… And, the horse you rode in on.

   Better not be in here spreading truth. ~ Zuckerberg

   Were you a kid who stirred their ice cream with a spoon until it was soup, or were you normal?

   If you’re afraid to live your life, then you have already died.

   Coffee so strong, that for like 4 minutes you have hope.

   I’m sorry, the internet has ruined me. Whenever you say “shingles,” all I see in my head is Sean Connery scrolling through a dating app.

   Catch Some Z's ~ It was first used to represent snoring and sleep in a 1903 comic strip called Katzenjammer Kids. Comic book artists used “z” in their work because of its association with the English idiom “sawing wood.”

   We will never create enough laws to control evil. Evil does not obey laws.

   Head locked in gridlock, oozing through Flanders White kicker magic plants poppies of remembrance Popeye remembers a cycloptic monster 23 years late, 23 years late.

   Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall. When it rang, I’d pick it up not knowing who was calling. Amazing I’m still alive.

   Me: trying to be polite. Mmm… this tastes like something I only want to eat once.

   Gaslighting ~ people who try to control others through manipulation will often accuse you of behaviors that they are engaged in themselves. A classic manipulation tactic ripped right from the leftist playbook.

   If you could travel in time, show up at the appropriate moments throughout history and smother heinous characters’ in their cribs, would you do it?

   Cognitive Dissonance ~ Sometimes people hold a core belief that is very strong. When they’re presented with evidence against that belief, the new evidence cannot be accepted.

   Far more deadly than any gun is the human brain. Will they make brains illegal soon? Some of you don’t need to worry about that.

   In 1929, the Soviet Union established gun control. From 1929 to 1953, about 20 million dissidents, unable to defend themselves, were rounded up and exterminated.

   Wish me luck guys, I am interviewing tomorrow for a new job at Old McDonald's Farm for the C-I-E-I-O position.

   What I do not realize is actually how you're not really a lot more well-preferred than you may be right now. You're very intelligent. You know therefore considerably in the case of this topic, produced me for my part believe it from numerous numerous angl

   Dear June, I don’t want any trouble from you. Just come in, sit down, don’t touch anything and keep your mouth shut.