Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear weather app, I don’t need a blinking light informing me that the pollen is high when my car looks like a Cheeto.

   That sweaty first kiss balled up on the couch, hand up her shirt, praying your parents don’t walk in on a Saturday night.

   If your ideology makes you hide your face with a mask, then you are a coward.

   I need to get my life together but I’m kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any real effort into it.

   You: Perhaps they’re not stars in the sky, but rather openings in heaven where our loved ones shine down to let us know that they’re happy. Me: Can I buy some weed from you?

   You: Be noble, for you are made from the stars. Be humble, for you are made from the earth. Me: Where do you get your weed?

   I see…. and is "Hunter Bidens Laptop” in the room with us right now? now show us on the doll where the laptop touched you?

   If you die and get cremated you can be put into an hourglass and still be included in family game night.

   Triggered! Go dip your head in some radical raspberry Kool aid and have a cookie. Oh, and logout… your mum will be home soon.

   “Goats are like ducks, if you shoot a duck, I’m scared of toasters, c’mon man.” ~ Joe Biden

   When you’re on your third “damn, that’s crazy” and they keep talking.

   I’m not afraid to die, I’m afraid to live on my knees ruled by lesser men who control the destiny of our children.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   Getting offended by something posted on the internet is like choosing to step in dog crap instead of walking around it.

   Mice die in mouse traps because they don’t understand why the cheese is free. The same thing happens with leftists.

   More accurate names for what’s being called “fact” check. Semantics check, agenda check, narrative check.

   All I want to do is go outside, then inside, then outside, then inside. ~ The Dog

   Last month people were marching to arm citizens in Europe. Last week people were marching to kill babies with abortion. Now people are marching to take guns away to save children. Can you please make up your minds?

   The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is 19 good guys with guns 78 minutes after they should have intervened.

   ...wildly disproportionate accountability for trvial transgressions...zero accountability for profound institutional failure...