Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Each family member of a gunned down individual gets 24 hours with the culprit, they can't kill him, but they are allowed to water-board him, jam bamboo under his fingernails, you get the idea....Deterrent

   Vegans have an issue with killing animals, but are a-ok when it comes to abortion.

   "Be yourself"? Don't tell me what to do! I'm gonna be someone else! Because that's who I am! Wait... What?

   My birthday is coming up in less than a year. Just sayin'

   I see…. and is the “Orange Man” in the room with us right now?

   In 2018, 33 researchers published their theory that octopuses didn’t originate on earth and are actually alien life forms.

   Might put the tree up and call it a year.

   Her: If you want me to break social distancing rules, it better be worth it. Him: I will use your coochie like an N95 mask.

   16 Psyche is one of the most massive asteroids in the asteroid belt. It’s made of materials like gold, platinum and nickel. It’s value is estimated to be around 700 quintillion USD.

   Nothing makes me feel older than when a restaurant makes me scan a QR code to look at their menu.

   I do not like your mental haze. I do not like your leftist ways. I do not like your son on blow. I do not like you Sleepy Joe.

   Are you the only one who gets it, understands it, or who thinks that your own jokes are funny? Something to consider while that jellybean rolls around in your coconut.

   I attack ideas, I don’t attack people. Some very good people have some very bad ideas. If you can’t separate the two, I suggest you find another day job.

   Before you speak, ask yourself a few questions. Is it necessary? Is it funny? Will everyone understand it? Will it offend someone? Glad to help.

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies are the reason I have trust issues.

   I fully intend to haunt people when I die. I have a list.

   Land-o-lakes ~ they got rid of the Indian and kept the land.

   I’m sorry for the things my face said while you were talking.

   Her: My throat hurts doc. Doctor: I bet your knees hurt too.

   The View: Vicious, Insane, Egotistical, Woman.