Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don’t take your kids to Disney World this summer, they don’t deserve your money or your support.

   I might not be the dumbest guy in the world... (well, as long as he stays alive.)

   It's a good thing we still have 26 million acres of leases that haven't been tapped yet.

   Q: What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? A. One is heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

   Q: What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? A: Outlaws are wanted.

   Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: One scoop of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby.

   We never had a baby formula shortage until men started getting pregnant.

   We used to pay for ringtones, but now if your phone makes any noise, you’re 100 years old.

   At McDonald’s ordering the little freak meal.

   Watching the fork fireworks in the microwave.

   Have Snoop and Martha ever like…. almost?

   Vomits after drinking 10 mimosas, hope I’m not pregnant.

   Broken guitar for sale, no strings attached.

   Kurt Vonnegut's, Harrison Bergeron, is basically the screenplay for Idiocracy

   Gas prices are so high the Mailman is now working from home. He called me and read my bills to me over the phone.

   Waking up and realizing you’re still not rich.

   Life is too short to die a coward.

   If a woman says, “my nipples are pierced,” the correct response is, I don’t believe you.

   Justice Thomas to the Media: “I will absolutely leave the Court when I do my job as poorly as you do yours.”

   The left is like, I paid $7.00 for gal. gas, $8.00 for gal. milk, rent is twice my monthly income, there’s shortages of everything, crime is surging, the world’s on the brink of chaos, but I’m happy because Trump isn’t in office.