Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a 16-year old wants to adopt a child, she's not allowed by the government. She doesn't have the emotional maturity or the financial means to raise a child. But if she gets pregnant.....how does that make sense?

   I may be as pretty as an angel, but I sure as hell ain’t one.

   When your girl butt dials you, but all you hear is trap music and slurping sounds.

   Sign at the ten-minute oil change ~ “We won’t fart in your car.”

   Her: wtf… why’d you fu!c my mom? Him: You kept calling me daddy and I got confused, chill.

   Stop looking for your soulmate and start looking for your soul, mate.

   That mini heart attack when you can’t find spaghetti in your pocket.

   Saw a store sign that read, “We treat you like family.” Well, NOT going in there.

   Day 712 without sex: went jogging in flip flops to remember the sound.

   You like rap music? Who’s your favorite rapist.

   If you're in a restaurant waiting for the waiter, aren't you the waiter?

   They say you are 22 times more likely to be killed by a cow than by a shark. This is true, my ex chased me with a knife once.

   The only time he messing with you is at night? Bi!ch, you’re dating a bedbug.

   Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.

   Don’t pick a fight, but if you do find yourself in one, I suggest you make damn sure you win.

   How she looks at you when she wants the carrot. ~ Mr. Rabbit

   Nurse: You may not feel anything from the waist down. Him: Just tits then?

   Your cat is a “see you in tea.”

   When she’s telling you all about her problems. Sounds like you need some D.

   The mystery of the exotic truck nuts.