Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Federal Government gun buyback program : I have performed a background check on you , and Based on your history of violence and atrocities , I cannot sell you a gun.

   Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.

   My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.

   How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.

   How do you get a country girl’s attention? A tractor.

   Welcome to Disney, where dreams we approve of come true.

   Don’t forget to pay your taxes, so they can send pallet loads of cash to corrupt countries, while you hit the same pothole driving to work every day.

   My cat taught me that you can get whatever you want, if you’re completely annoying.

   Dog: You know that feeling you get when you do something wrong and you feel so bad about it that you can’t think of anything else for the rest of the day? Cat: no.

   Go ahead and get that tattoo, your family is already disappointed.

   Listening to Johnny Depp talk is like watching a turtle wade though quicksand.

   No one takes swearing under oath seriously these days. What a slap in the face to God.

   When I was a kid, I had a rich friend whose snooty mom was too classy to buy Hamburger Helper. She bought Ground Beef Assistant.

   Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore, steal covers or pass gas.. and I only pee if something startles me.

   tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   If gas prices get any higher, I'm gonna have to file for 'tank-ruptcy

   People who think men can get pregnant are suddenly concerned about misinformation on Twitter if Elon owns it.

   To mix things up, take her wig off and put it on your head.

   When you’re alone, the outside world is moving along without you. You’re also moving along in your own world, without them.

   It’s called Karma, and it’s pronounced ~ Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha.