Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: I have a child that needs a father figure. Him: I wear socks with sandals. Her: wow, you’re daddy af.

   If they say it’s impossible, it’s impossible for them, not for you.

   If your child makes fun of you for not being able to find the flashlight on your phone, just remind them of when you taught them everything.

   Judge rules that airplane passengers no longer need to pretend to be eating for 5 straight hours.

   Every time that you spend money, you’re casting a vote for the kind of world you want.

   “Mr. Biden, why are you a total loser?” Asks new White House reporter Ronald Crump.

   When she’s sleeping…. Take her eyelashes off and make her a mustache with them. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Never in the history of Calm Down has anyone calmed down by being told to calm down.

   I wonder if people paying $300 for a Colon Cleanse even know about the new $4.99 Taco Bell deal?

   Seek immediate attention for erections lasting longer than CNN+.

   I have an assignment to translate a classic English poem into Spanish. So far I've come up with: Frijoles, frijoles, la fruta del musico. El mas usted consuma, el mas usted sonada breve.

   Dont blame me. I voted for Trump.

   Bucket list: Extra crispy, a side of cheesy fries and whipped cream gravy.

   #whoremembers ~ If you read that as whore members, we’re probably friends.

   He said he’d call me back in 30 minutes, it’s been 33. I just can’t deal with his lies anymore.

   My dad fully dressed all day. My dad when one of my friends come over ~ (in his underwear)

   If you put trash in your pocket to avoid littering, you’re going to heaven.

   The quicker sniffer upper ~ Hunter Biden (learned it from his dad)

   When she got a boyfriend but she wanna know ya name ~ side nigggaa

   There have been a lot of snake sightings. You might also check in your phone contacts as well...