Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a PHD, P – pretty, H – huge, D

   Trans species man who self-identifies as a deer accidentally shot by hunters. Rest in pieces.

   Why are you listening to broken headphones? So, people don’t talk to me.

   I’m sorry that your terrible behavior caused me to act out of character. You should work on that.

   The greatest thing that we can do for our children, is to abolish the department of education and toss it on the ash heap of history.

   A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating potato chips.

   I put two quarters in my ears this morning and thought I was listening to 50 Cent.

   I make seven figures but the first two are zero.

   Hey bro, just because you have on a Tapout shirt doesn't mean you can't get your arse beat!

   At Pet Smart teaching all the parrots to say, Fu!c Joe Biden.

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you’re actually a few million years late. The star is dead, just like your dreams.

   Dad: You have your mother’s eyes. Me: (huge black eye)

   Elon Musk has offered to buy CNN+ for $50.00

   “I got hairy legs that turn blond in the sun.” Nurse: Sure Joe, let’s go sign some more executive orders.

   Whenever I hear someone say, “my therapist said,” my ears perk way up. That’s free therapy.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't t mean it's good. Trash bags leak too.

   Just because your p*ssy's wet doesn't mean it's good. Trash bags leak too

   My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.

   FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 12 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

   My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me