Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   Her: Say something hot. Him: Burn in hell.

   Cats have 32 muscles in each ear to help them ignore you.

   If I do a job in 30 minutes, it’s because it took me 25 years to learn how. You owe me for the years, not the minutes.

   My wife is a s3x object. Every time I want to have s3x, she’ll object.

   420, remember to leave out milk and cookies for Willie Nelson and Snoop Dog..

   The boyhood home of Bill Clinton has been designated as a National Historic Site. It's great, but I hope it stops there. Because there are a million places that can say 'Bill Clinton Slept Here

   Best moment to sleep: 5% - in the evening, 95% - in the morning.

   A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

   Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.

   My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

   Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

   If Johnny Depp delivered his movie lines with the same speed at which he's testifying during his defamation trial, his films would be 6 hours long.

   I read that low crab meals might help with my dyslexia.

   The State of Indiana should open an anonymous sperm bank called ‘Hoosier Daddy.’

   Censorship is why Twitter is at the bottom of Dante’s Hell.

   Chris Wallace is having daily breakdowns over CNN+ sucking so bad.

   What’s the difference between an apple and an orphan? Apples get picked.

   Hey Gurl, if your phone number turned into money, how much would you have?

   Football ~ The legal way to buy a nigggaa.