Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm Starting to think my job only wants me for my labor

   Please Ask your doctor if medical advice from a commercial is right for you.

   I just choked on a carrot and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn't have done this to me."

   dotn dirnk and udpate Fistbook statass!

   These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   Tip of the Day: Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing!

   Muffins – for folks who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

   So 10-year olds in Florida can't say "gay," but 10-year olds in Tennessee can say "I do"?

   Listening to your problems

   Roses are red, violets are blue, wish it didn’t have to be like this, but it do

   Life is fork, I am soup

   For those who haven't a clue, today's subway shooting did not occur at a sandwich shop.

   “All girls are the same.” Yeah, none of them want you.

   On a date with my crush, trying so hard not to fart.

   You’re lying if you say you’ve never let a game controller vibrate on your crotch.

   Sleep hits different when you’re not supposed to be sleeping.

   Tell your friends you love them. Tell them a lot. Make it weird.

   Playing truth of dare and they dare you to go home.

   “Do you moan or cuss?” Depends on how good the food is, usually both.

   The parking lot at Clown College only has one space.