SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   I wanted to make a girl experience multiple climaxes, so I made her watch the last half hour of 'Star Wars Episode III.'

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   I just hope Tyler Perry names his 1st son 'Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry, Jr.'

   Couldn't eat my soup when I watched The Matrix because there was no spoon.