Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Adult videos gives young people an unrealistic idea of how fast a plumber will come to your house.

   I was in a porno movie once. I played the role of the husband who left for work before the pool boy showed up.

   There's a problem with Kinect for X-Box... If I wanted to use my entire body to play sports... I would just play sports.

   Spring is here so that means I'm over my seasonal depression and can go back to my regular depression.

   When someone in the administration has to CONSTANTLY walk back Brandon's statements it should be crystal clear to everyone that Brandon is not the one making policy decisions. . .

   Will Smith, I'm not impressed. Tupac would have shot him.

   Will Smith is the new Rick James..WHAT THE FINGERS SAY TO THE FACE ?..SLAP !

   It's a good thing Chris Rock didn't make a joke about Alec Baldwin's wife.

   Will Smith's marriage is open to everything except jokes.

   Me: sneezes Microchip in my left arm: Bless you.

   Tornado season is here...In the event of a tornado, put some hotdogs in your pocket. That way the search dogs will find you first.

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is a lot better.

   I don't get why people pay $400 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.

   Dear Brandon: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger..

   I would say that Will Smith hits like a girl, but then I am not a biologist.

   Will Smith did what Ted Cruz could not do: Defend his wife's honor.

   I'm so pumped for Trump University 2: University of Truth. Registration starts today!

   Talk like a drunken Irishman and say "Whale Oil Beef Hooked."

   "Insult my wife one more time and I'll lick your other ball" - Ted Cruz