Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The war is over. The Confederacy lost. We're all Yankees now. Get over it!

   Fake meat fans, do us normal folks a favor. Shut up already.

   Que o medo de não dar certo não nos impeça de tentar. Vá. E se der medo, vá com medo mesmo.

   Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.

   What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!

   My favorite part of Forrest Gump is when a guy with an IQ of 75 gets accepted to the University of Alabama.

   I love our government! They just voted to borrow $1400 from me so that they can give it to me. Brilliant!

   I don't want to see a politician's tax returns. I want to see the the results of their IQ tests.

   Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute! Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

   My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.

   Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

   Looking on the bright side of being in quarantine… Now all those stolen office supplies just look like good planning.

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   [first time at a rave] These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

   Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

   Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh

   A couple of million dollar ideas: 1) Boxers with pockets 2) A service that lets you throw a live shark from a speeding van

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

   At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

   Married with Children was much funnier on TV.