Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Sorry that after your wife said "I do" at your wedding I shouted out "BUTT STUFF"

   I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible

   Loneliness is holding paper warm from the printer close because it's what you remember hugs felt like.

   I'm sorry I accurately called you a slut

   Our curves would look great together. - Lesbian Pickup line

   Relationship status – bathing everyday isn't a priority anymore.

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   Ladies; if you suspect that your man is cheating, take him to that b*tch's front and and see if his wifi connects automatically.

   A poncho, because nobody else is going to hug you.

   My resume is basically a list of things I hate to do.

   No matter what life hands you. Don't put it in a fanny pack.

   Maybe lions don't even like antelope meat maybe they just keep eating them because we all know how annoying vegetarians can be.

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass.

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.