BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.

   Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.

   Practice being nice, so that when you really need to be....it's not so hard.

   You're like a Password. Hard to figure out, but I always want to keep trying.

   The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.

   The reason we give kids middle names is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   At least your tax dollars are helping the secret service get laid.

   Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   My ex left me for some balding, over-weight, less intelligent, less attractive, less financial secure person.

   Eating Taco Bell is like sleeping with your ex. I feel horrible afterwards and I'm always drunk when I do it.

   A good way to breakup with your girlfriend is to introduce her as your ex girlfriend at parties. It softens the blow.

   I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.