Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

   My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

   Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.

   I used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.

   Since hockey has been cancelled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver. But I’m sure he will resurface eventually .

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

   My favourite Celine Dion song is the one where it's muted all the way through.

   What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?

   Have to say this is the first time just about everyone's wearing a mask on Halloween.

   With the pandemic just curious if anyone’s house got toilet papered or sprayed with Lysol last night.

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   What a great Halloween. Thanks for giving us the night off Covid!

   The election is rigged...unless I win

   The vaccine shot was promised to be ready today. Where can I go to get the shot?

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.