Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

   I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

   Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”

   By their early thirties, the average person has unsubscribed from more email lists than they have days left to live.

   Anyone else feel like Halloween is unnecessary this year? I mean I’ve been wearing a mask and eating candy for the last seven months. I don’t think I need a day dedicated to it anymore.

   I am having a weird day, first I found a hat full of money, then I got chased by a guy with a guitar.

   When I cancelled my gym membership I had to submit a too weak notice

   I dont win marathons because I'm lucky, I win them because I'm driven

   I invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off

   yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole

   i was looking at the bigbustycoons site... Those guys have some big bus companies

   Yellow cars have the lowest crash rate, according a different pole

   Just think. If all parents were pro-abortion, it's likely we wouldn't be here to argue over it.

   This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.