Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

   Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool. When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

   My back has gone out more than I have this year.

   Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp? Me: 1970.

   I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

   The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

   No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything I just don’t know how to be in public anymore

   Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

   I hope we’ve all come to the realization that huggers were the problem all along.

   Wait…was it my left or your left? -me as a surgeon

   freezing my eggs so I can chuck em at his house later

   “I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.

   Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

   My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

   the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when I got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

   *Comes home with seven 5 lb bags of Halloween candy. Husband: Didn’t you see the email? There’s no trick or treating in the neighborhood this year. Me: I saw it.

   Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.

   October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.

   Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.