Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

   Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented

   I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

   I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

   I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.

   If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.

   Executioner: Any last words Me: No, I’m – My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

   Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.

   What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

   Some dance to remember, some dance to forget, some dance because the swamp witch’s curse compels them to, and you can usually pick those ones out right away

   Just heard on the news that fake news is up 200% on Facebook. So what else is new?

   Whose got two big strong hands? Asking for a friend on National No Bra day?

   If you don't need a mask because God will protect you, why do you need a gun?

   The greater the threat the better the weapon

   HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA JUST WALKED BY YOU WHILE YOU WERE STARING AT YOUR PHONE!

   20% of marriage is just waiting for your spouse to fall asleep so you can eat the snacks you don’t want to share.

   I got a restraining order from the Costco bagel sample lady.

   I wonder if girls got mad on dates in the 1700's because guys kept checking their treasure maps.

   Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

   Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.