Funny Status Messages

   Dear Cupid, Next time hit both.

   Chewing sugarless gum instead of brushing your teeth is the dry shampoo of dental care

   The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

   At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

   Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

   I gotta stop taking that Ambian for sleep. When I went to sleep we all agreed that Segregation was wrong. I woke up this morning and it’s ok again? What did I miss

   I just saw 9 homeless people giving each other flu shots under the overpass. What a caring community we live in. ‬

   Amazon has been approved for drone delivery. We now have skeet shooting with prizes.

   He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are. That’s how the fight started

   Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

   I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

   I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

   i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately I don’t know anything

   When a cop gets killed in the line of duty, people say "Well, he knew the job was dangerous when he took it." Why can't we use that same logic on criminals who get shot by cops? "Well, he knew if he committed a crime he might get shot....."

   Breonna Taylor's family should have collected the 12 million from her drug pushing, boyfriend's family who fired at the officers first.

   Portland Oregon is reported to have the worst air quality of any city in the world right now due to smoke. The question is, though: Is it smoke from forest fires or smoke from building fires?

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!

   If you find a girl that makes you laugh, keep her because women are not funny.

   The only reason she hasn’t killed me yet, is because she knows she’ll cry and miss me.

   Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.