Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   This alcohol diet is freaking awesome, I've already lost 3 days.

   WTF are birds so amped up about at 5:30 in the morning?

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.

   I sure hopes they're wrong about the world ending in 2012. I'd hate to think I wasted the last couple years of my life on Facebook with you guys ;)

   I wish that I could record my dreams and watch them later.

   I'm proud of my decision to never attempt to run any marathon.

   I had my cell phone ring changed to a loud sneeze. That way, not only do I not offend those around me, they actually bless me whenever anyone calls.

   75% of my regrets involve hitting "send."

   2011 Pick Up Lines: "I have a full tank of gas."

   Survival rule #1: You go first.

   Next time I'm on an elevator with four or more strangers, I'm going to turn around and say, "I'm sure you're wondering why I've gathered you all here."

   Props to the radio stations!! I know it must be difficult with the different lengths of songs yet you still manage to sync ur commercials with every other radio station!

   If you're talking on your cell phone in a public bathroom, I will flush the toilet over and over so your friend knows *exactly* where you are.

   Sarcasm - honesty's drunk uncle.

   Why is it that when a bird flies into a window, everyone feels bad for the bird, but when I walk into a sliding glass door, it's suddenly f*cking hilarious?

   Tom's may provide shoes for poor kids in Africa but I provide jobs for kids in China by purchasing Nikes. I'm truly the better person.

   With the success of "Teen Mom" as well as "16 & Pregnant," MTV is proud to announce their new show "15 & F*cking."

   Folgers coffee ads are ALL WRONG! The best part of waking up is being able roll over and go back to sleep.

   Grocery stores could save me a lot of time and effort by adding an "All the stuff you can microwave" aisle.