Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Don't talk to me unless you're a dog.

   I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   I'd probably get laid a lot more if I were in prison.

   It's like the women in this bar don't know how close I am to getting my own apartment.

   My dad use to take me to the circus to see the tattooed man and the bearded lady. Now, I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   Interviewer: Any questions you’d like to ask us? Me: What level of candy crush are you on?

   I'm just a boy, looking at a girl. Ohh look, she has nachos. I'm just a boy, looking at nachos

   I'll have plenty of time to be tolerant when I'm dead.

   Yes. You're Wrong: A guide for men preparing for marriage.

   Yes if a bunch of horny and thirsty guys on the internet called you hot then it must be so true.

   I can offer a blank stare and a pat on the back if you're looking for someone to console you.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"

   Maybe serial killers are just normal people who had a coworker with a runny nose.

   Women who tell me I have commitment issues have never seen me with a large pizza.

   My son just said he doesn't like bacon and now I have to kill the mailman

   It's not gay if his name is Ashley.

   The more attractive you are, the creepier you can be without raising eyebrows.

   So if a cow dies of old age after a long and happy life, vegetarians are allowed to eat it, right?