totalpackage Funny Status Messages

   I would like to congratulate myself on placing 18,476th in the "Coney Island Hot Dog Eating Contest!" ツ

   Record temps again tomorrow....If I can find a lemonade stand, I'll be on it like a hillbilly on his half-sister!

   I was ready to "chow down" at Burger King tonight until I heard their derelict employees have been using the lettuce for a foot bath. :/

   I told the NCAA I was a Penn State fan and they "vacated" my last 15 birthdays which restores me to my early 20's...Anyone up for a game of beer pong tonight? ツ

   heard on CNN that the blackout in India has affected nearly 700 million people...Good luck getting through to Comcast customer service today! ツ

   I can't really tell the difference between "water polo" or "marco polo", but I know neither one is very thrilling to watch on television. :/

   I really wish "Mayhem" from Allstate would eliminate "Flo" from Progressive!

   I was a bit embarrassed about dropping a gallon jug of Heinz ketchup all over aisle 7 at Sam's Club....but I managed to salvage my pride by creating an extemely convincing crime scene!

   After spending 90 bucks for a gas fill-up today, I'm starting to see the advantages of being Amish....

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   I don't understand Bill Clinton's surge in popularity....Didn't he leave office a dozen years ago as an impeached, disgraced, censured, lying, philandering 2 timing, womanizing, intern-humping, hillbilly?

   In celebration of turning a year older, I'll be wearing my birthday suit all day.....so just make sure that's my HAND you're shaking at church tomorrow!

   Last years Halloween hand-outs of cough drops and marbles were such a hit, I'll be adding baby aspirin and cod liver oil to this years rotation....Trick-or treat! ツ

   The Steelers must have partied hard last night...They're still wearing their Halloween costumes! ツ

   My car is getting pressure washed...So far, Sandy is dandy!

   I set my daylight savings time back 13 years so I could party like it was 1999!

   I still can't believe I was cited for running through the park naked when it was clearly evident I had black socks on! ツ

   Sorry ladies, no more Ding Dongs---and sorry fella's, no more Ho Ho's...R.I.P. Hostess! ツ

   I sure wish they'd invent an app that keeps birds from crapping on my car! :/

   Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman