lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   filthy,stinking rich. Well,two out of three ain't bad.

   Hangovers: the wrath of grapes.

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   Chocolate is the answer to EVERYTHING!

   I saw an unemployed,homeless dwarf. He had a sign that said "No job. Too small."

   Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

   If sex is a pain in the arse,then you're doing it wrong.

   I'm calling in blind this morning. I can't see myself going into work today.

   Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

   Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

   Women don't hit harder. We hit lower.

   Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

   90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave their wife.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   My mother wants me to get up and go to work. But the voices in my head want me to stay home and clean the guns.

   heard that Christmas is being cancelled! Santa was beaten up by three black women after he walked down the street saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!"

   chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   I should have guessed that huge red toy on the wall at the sex shop was too good to be true! Oh well. I might be $50 shorter but I now have a fire extinguisher for the home!