SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I hate gently tossing my phone on the bed and it ricocheting off three walls, hitting a lamp, and a cat.

   I'll never just put the seat down; the lid's going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

   Since almost 7 billion people live on Earth now, the statement "you're one in a million" really isn't that much of a compliment anymore.

   A journey of ten feet begins with a single “Where the #%!= is the remote?”

   I guess I will call this little 9 song playlist "The Night I Got Drunk and Decided World Music was Awesome"

   I hate using an air freshener I really like in the bathroom. Cuz after awhile, no matter where you use it, its always gonna smell like sh!t.

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.

   There's no fool like an old fool. But some of you young fools are showing real promise.

   If actions speak louder than words, why can't I hear mimes?

   When you think about it there aren't that many songs about rainbows.

   If I were a woman, there would almost never be a time when I wouldn't wear high heels or carry a gun. Or insist everyone call me Candy.

   I can't believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.

   Maybe the economy wouldn't seem so bad if we put happier pictures on money. Like George Washington on a jetski.

   Technically all breakfasts are continental, unless you eat them in the ocean.

   Though accurate, "I Need Sleep Or I'll Kill You," doesn't have quite the same ring as "Beauty Rest."

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   Just woke up. Ice cream melted. Not sure where I am. Smells like basement.

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   Sitting here watching thousands of dollars worth of food be thrown away on Hell's Kitchen while I eat my Ramen.

   The economy is so bad that Anglina Jolie is adopting American kids now.