Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Hey Sun-chips way to go,, making a Bio-degradable bag that's so friggin loud my neighbors can hear my junk food addiction,,

   Have we found all of the great singers in America yet?,, I'm worried we might not have found them all....Geesh

   I just hit a guy in a Smart Car with my bicycle.......................he didn't make it

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   If I die in my sleep, my programmable coffee-maker is still going to make a full pot in the morning.... Someone will appreciate that.

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

   Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

   If this burglar can avoid tripping & bashing his skull open while my cats circle his feet,,, I'll help him load my belongings into his car.

   Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...

   Karl Marx was wrong,, Religion is not the opiate of the masses... Facebook is.. Also Angry Birds...and Draw Something

   TIP: A quick way to get your kids out of bed is to go in their room and shout, "What the Heck?!! There are deer in our backyard!! "

   I can't quote it verbatim,, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

   You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away,, right?

   I'm pretty sure Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

   I never win at Scrable

   Me??? Oh, just replanting these carrots and onions... We're catch-and-release vegetarians.

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   First rule of Alzheimer's club: