Nipper Funny Status Messages

   Spice things up during family dinners this holiday season by slamming your wine glass down and demanding "What do you people want from me!?"

   When eating her from behind you know you're doing it correctly if her bhole pinches your nose closed.

   My kid thinks I'm some kind of wizard because I can start a car by blowing in a tube.

   I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn't bark at. That person should become president.

   When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.

   In 15 years' time a girl with a Brazilian won't mean a neatly trimmed vag, it'll be a head shaped like a rugby ball.

   The one thing about this group of presidential candidates that we can all agree on is that none of them are fuckable.

   How long is sexual healing supposed to take because I came in this one three times and she's still in a coma.

   I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

   Maybe she's born with spit. Maybe it's Vaseline.

   Trust me, don't get Guinea Pigs. They're a lot of work for relatively little meat.