JEBI Funny Status Messages

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   "Really???" - Barbie, the first time she saw Ken without pants

   Dear Justin Bieber, Just because you have money...doesn't mean that you're mature. Grow up, smarten up, or shut the hell up! Thanks, People

   "Hello Kitty" should have been a brand of condoms...

   I'd make more Broncos jokes, but I don't want to beat a dead horse...

   I got married so that I can be autocorrected even when my phone is off.

   Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn't going according to plan...

   Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb . Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke...

   I just got my foot stuck in my wife's bra. I asked her what kind of boobie trap is this? She laughed and I laughed and she asked me never tell another joke for at least a week...

   Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again...

   I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?

   My wife wanted a puppy .I didn't want a puppy . So we compromised and got a puppy...

   My wife and I didn't know the handles on the mattress are to MOVE it!! We've been totally misusing them this whole time!

   If my life had a soundtrack it would be the sound of a rusty gate slowly closing and then falling off its hinges onto a bunch of ugly cats...

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   If your status update has been edited, there is a 95% chance I will browse through your mistakes before I read the actual update...

   Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Caller: My wifes going into labor, I don't know what to do. Operator: Is this her first born? Caller: No, this is her husband.

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   Why do you Americans have to involve race in everything? Leave it to the media to put ideas into your minds. The country/world will never know peace until we start referring to each other as human beings. One Love...

   Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year...