Huck Funny Status Messages

   Been a while since “It’s the End of the World as We Know It” & “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” We need a new song where someone yells a list.

   1. Sit down next to stranger on park bench. 2. Place an envelope beside him. 3. Whisper, "It has to look like an accident." 4. Walk away.

   If you try to win an argument by comparing the other side to "nazis", you are worse than Hitler.

   I've never met a group of people more worried about their "privacy" than the people on Facebook that share EVERYTHING about themselves.

   I heard that Tom Brady isn't going to the pro bowl for an undisclosed injury. Didn't know bruised ego was a real injury.

   My biggest fear is dying and becoming a ghost that has to go around and get people to try my blueberry cereal.

   I'm starting to think Chris Brown is in Fight Club

   "I went to Jared" I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons

   FACT: One thing that I have never had in the glove box of my car, is a pair of gloves.

   I've never once jumped into a taxi and yelled, "FOLLOW THAT CAR!" Life is disappointing and movies are liars.

   I'm reading the ingredients on a can of dog food, and I'm shocked to see that 17% of it is "kids' homework".

   Want to end road rage? Put manual windows in every car. By the time you're done rolling down your window to yell, you're too tired to be mad

   Why don't we throw the world's garbage in quicksand?

   I walk away from auto-flush toilets like movie stars walk away from explosions

   I just lost my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that

   WHAT IF PEOPLE USED CAPS LOCK FOR EVERYTHING THEN USED LOWERCASE FOR EMPHASIS, THAT WOULD BE really weird

   I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.

   Seemed to cruel to get my dog fixed. So instead I got him a really crappy haircut. And now he can't even get a date.

   Do you think in China the forklifts are called chopstick lifts?

   I don't go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I'm dying to pee.