Gripenfelter Funny Status Messages

   There's a new idea being presented that pedophilia is some sort of sexual orientation. If that's the case, let me be the first to volunteer to beat you straight. #SaveOurChildren

   I swear to God if I had one of those Race Car Beds, it would be on jack stands too.

   My prediction for October 2020: The Bermuda triangle starts roaming around the Earth like a giant Roomba.

   I wonder if Prius owners put playing cards between the spokes of their wheels so they will sound like real cars.

   Thanksgiving is coming...time to set the weigh scale ahead 8 lbs.

   Elf on a Shelf? WTF? Back in my day, if a doll came to life, it murdered your whole family and everyone you loved. Kids are too coddled these days.

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   It's Valentine's Day so I'm spending time with my true love...yes I'm in the garage.

   If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship. Blame her and her mother.

   When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.

   I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".

   What if you take Johnson & Johnson, Pfizer, and Moderna at the same time and just let them fight it out inside you?

   How many rounds of the vaccine do you need before you can stop wearing the tinfoil hat?

   Sometimes, when I haven't had sex for a while, I like to go jogging in flip flops so I remember the sound.

   New Lockdown laws...Screw child labour laws. Going to gather up the neighbourhood kids and build an ARK....actually scratch that, lumber pricing is ridiculous...going to build a Death Star.

   Which vaccine is the one with extra microchips in it? Cuz I wanna be able to control my appliances with my mind.

   I should be ashamed of my behaviour. Just to be clear, I should be, but I'm not.

   Damn, it's hotter than a spoon at Hunter Biden's house outside.