SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.

   Advertisers: you can stop using "it will change your life" as a selling point. Cocaine, unemployment, and AIDS will also change your life.

   My dentist just said I'm getting a crown! I must have been a *super* good patient today.

   Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.

   Due to the ever changing musical landscape, we may never know who rocked the party that rocked your body.

   Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.