Baddie Funny Status Messages

   my doctor told me to stay off alcohol until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 98 twitter followers, what does he even know?

   “are you f cuking kidding me” - me every two seconds at work.

   Women who build walls around yourselves, please consider putting in a gloryhole.

   Not now life... come back when I'm drunk.

   She's saving herself for marriage, I'm saving myself for divorce.

   I don't get drunk, I get able to tolerate other people.

   At my job I am forced to deal with more c unts than a gynecologist.

   Wanna know what it's like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

   Never bring a hangover to a wife fight.

   Me: honey, would you be psycho enough to murder my ass? Wife: "wear my thongs one more time and see what happens to you!"

   Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonald's; Not funny, grow up.

   It's not my fault that people don't appreciate the art of unpunctuality.

   "911, what's your emergency?" "DO ANIMALS NAME THEIR BABIES?"

   Sorry I buried the hatchet in your face.

   There were only 3 commandments until Moses' wife got involved.

   Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.

   If you have never fantasized about murdering me you've never been my girlfriend.

   Planning a wedding with your fiancé is good practice for divorce.

   Just one more drink and then I'm outta here" is one of my favorite lies.

   Somehow she tracked that fart back to me....and that's how I met your mother.