BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear... "Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep."

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. 

   16 and Pregnant? How come I didn't get my own show when I was 16? "16 and smart enough to use a rubber."

   Deja Vu: When God thinks something is so funny he has to rewind it to show it to his friends.

   I come up with the best ideas when sitting on the toilet then forget them after the flush.

   When I was a kid, I used to close the fridge door slowly just to see when the light turned off.

   Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry. 

   I do everything faster when I have to pee.

   Me: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Me: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.

   Real friends don't get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.

   The McRib is like an exgirlfriend visiting, you know you probably shouldn't do it, but hey, it's back for a limited time.

   I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.

   When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why.

   It's only a matter of time until The Homeless start accepting Credit Cards.

   A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, a crab with a whale as a daughter, The creators of SPONGEBOB were obviously high.

   Congratulations! You've won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.

   Sleep + social life = Bad grades. Good grades + sleep = No social life. Good grades + social life = No sleep.

   At a Birthday Party, I dared one kid to suck all the helium out of all the balloons. Today this kid is known as Justin Bieber.

   When I'm a millionare, I'm hiring someone whose only job is to stand at the top of a stairwell and high-five me when I get to the top.