Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While thinking of revenge two sayings came to mind: " revenge is a dish best served cold" and "revenge is sweet". I therefore came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

   I'm kinda glad that dinosaurs are extinct cause I'm pretty sure I'd try to ride one after a few beers.

   I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

   This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.

   Dave came into the bar last night visibly shaken. He said he had just slept with his 3rd cousin. I told him, if it upsets you that much, quit counting them

   I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.

   Justin Bieber is coming out with an 'Unplugged album'? I hope it's the microphone that they unplug.

   My dog is not a good guard dog, so I replaced him. I really feel stupid barking at the postman.

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   If your full name was Elongated Musketeer then you would probably shorten it, too

   Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people"

   I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly

   Boss called and wants a meeting, asks how does 3:00 sound? BONG BONG BONG, silly boss

   Everybody thinks its so great that Michelangelo painted the chapel ceiling on his back but nobody talks about how long his arms were

   My wife as not spoke to me for the past three days since our fight. That saying silence is golden is so true.

   Wife nudged me awake "I can hear noises downstairs" so said "so what, I can hear noises downstairs or upstairs"

   I used to like to eat footlong subs, but the periscopes always stuck in my teeth

   If zombies eat the living and vultures eat the dead, what do zombie vultures eat and what do you mean this isn't an emergency, 911 operator?

   You know that game where your hands made a church and steeple, and you opened it up to see the people? Why the hell didn't it bother anyone that the people were all being hung from the rafters like a mass suicide?

   Today I ended a long relationship. Yeah.....I’m okay, I'm not really upset or anything though, it wasn't even mine.