Funny Status Messages

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?

   I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car

   I’m going to start a band called “Free Beer” because when people see a sign that says, “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going to be there.

   I hate it when google starts acting feminine by giving me a suggestion even before I complete my sentence

   When my Bank Balance Depresses me, I Look at my Email Spam Folder to check the Nigerian Prince Million Dollars I have been left behind

   Why is it that only when you fart silently is when somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or rather sits behind you?

   My favorite word is "apparently" because it makes any statement sound sarcastic. "He's intelligent. Apparently."

   Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.

   If the memo sees iys shadow today it means four more years of Trump?

   Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

   Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.

   I only have 2 regrets in life. Some girls I wished I slept with and some girls I wish I hadn't!

   The GOP memo is out and it said the groundhog saw it's shadow which means one more year of Trump aaaannnndddd I don't know what the hell I'm talking about....

   I heard that Rosie O'Donnell saw her shadow today. I guess that means 7 more years of Trump.

   Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't

   Who is Valentines? And why is my Wife talking about her a lot lately?

   So like, this rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98. So he rounded them up.

   12 days to Valentine... ...wives have become more polite than customer care..

   Notice the subliminal message in the Wendy's commercial her necklace reads mom.

   BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom? ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.