Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   A new study says that a lot of people will believe anything that starts out by saying a new study says.

   instead of clapping at the state of the union they should yell "Dilly Dilly"

   When life gives you a hundred reasons not to go to work today.....don't argue with it

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me, I have hearing aids

   Just made me some synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make.

   wants to apologize to everyone about the blue moon but hey, I'm auditioning for the Avatar sequels and it's your damn fault for peeping through my window!

   The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they're thinking "Why don't you just eat ALL the food?"

   Got caught daydreaming about sleep again at work today

   Super Bowl LII: Patriots vs. Eagles. If it were any more patriotic, it'd be crapping fireworks out of it's end zone. 'Murica!

   Since smartphone cameras were first released in 2002, sightings of Bigfoot and UFOs have declined by 85%.

   Some people are like that annoying advert that interrupts a video you’re watching and you can’t skip it.

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use my bank account?

   Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>

   My bachelor pad is lacking a sofa now that Mom wants her Caravan’s third row seating back.

   We get it, He-Man, you’re a male.

   Why do we offer "a word to the wise" when it's the stupid ones that need the advice?

   If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too