Funny Status Messages

   I got new deodorant yesterday... The instructions said remove top and push up bottom... My bum really hurts but everytime I fart the room smells awesome.

   I turned out liking you a lot more than I had originally planned.

   I don't see any way for the Eagles to beat the Patriots now that Glenn Frey passed away.

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space

   Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings

   If you're always concern about the opinion people have about you. You'll never be happy.

   I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.

   Did you hear about the cereal Bill Belicheat and "Shady" Brady eat before games? Cheaties!....The breakfast of champions.

   While weighting my self on the bathroom scale I sucked in my gut. My wife laugh and said do you think that's help you weigh less ? I said no but it does help me to see how much I weigh.

   If you comment or click like on a picture which was posted a year ago, you are a stalker

   Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch

   I Dream of using this phrase One day "Let's Just Take My Helicopter than"

   You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her

   I guess I shouldn't use Comet® to wash my car. I've been working on it for an hour and I've just begun to scratch the surface.

   I’m not above sitting down in the shower crying.

   Doctor: Do you use any illegal drugs? Me: Depends on the state.

   Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.

   If you buy weight loss products at GNC the only thing you'll lose is your money...

   The Super Bowl won't be the same without Glenn Frey or Brad Delp...