Funny Status Messages

   Whife ask what's the thing about a bj. I said the five minutes of silence.

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   I don't see anything wrong with a kidnapping. If a kid wants to take a nap, let them.

   Today my yoga teacher was really drunk, which put me in an awkward position.

   Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.

   According to physics heat makes matter expand.....therefore I don't have a weight problem....I'm just hot

   I'l have to be a trombone donor. I'm all out of organs.

   To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Don’t be so quick to judge Donald Trump’s weight. I just found out he was Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s surrogate.

   The problem with a President Oprah is a Vice President Dr. Phil and a Surgeon General Dr. Oz.

   Don't trust people who speak too fast. Trust me on this.

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   The government reopened everyone hide your drugs

   If your child is eating Tide Pods, you failed as a parent.

   How do nudist clean their glasses?

   Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout.

   when idiots do the "Tide pod challenge" & a friend records it, are they POD casting?

   You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she walks...... If she sways her hips from side to side she's good in bed. .. If she takes small steps she's unadventurous. .. If she's tiptoeing away from you shes got your credit card