Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My NRA firearms Instructor beats your demo rapist movie producer or former President

   What's the difference between a Democrat and a catfish? One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom feeder and the other one is a fish.

   Why should Libs be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they're really good people.

   If you have a Democrat passenger, you get free parking in the handicap zone.

   I'll bet that hookers calculate their profits and losses by using a spread sheet.

   Q. What does a day old donut have in common with Betty White? A. They're both pretty dry when you eat them.

   Gross thought of the day... Vienna sausage juice.

   those people in the office with the rolling cart full of everyone's mail....they really push the envelope

   Irony: People waving Confederate flags telling others, "get over it, you lost".

   Superman wears glasses, everyone thinks he’s a different person. I wear glasses people say: “Hey, why are you wearing glasses?”

   -inventing vodka- who’s thirsty for yeast infected potato juice?

   The only person I wanna chat with is my dog.

   If it wasn't for online porn I couldn't spell amateur.

   wife: I'm having a baby. me: *handing menu back to waiter* I'll have a baby as well.

   I don't recall what I can't recall because I can't recall it. Jeff Session

   My Dominatrix is so cruel and kinky, she makes me drink orange juice right after I brush my teeth.

   After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes...... "No hablo ingles."

   I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation... My Czech is in the mail

   I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy... Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.

   Just because you're trash doesn't mean you cant do great things...Its called a Garbage Can,Not a Garbage Cannot.