Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   since twitter doubled the length of tweets, does that mean now I double the name? I'm gonna go post a tweet tweet

   Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.

   With Christmas just around the corner, it's important to remember to never trust electronics buying advice from people who have Beats headphones.

   So Donald duck never wore pants, but when he gets out of the shower he puts a towel around his waist. What's up with that?

   No matter what side of the aisle you lean towards or sit on, this tax plan is a soggy turdburger.

   Public Restrooms attract the weirdest people. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   They say that laughter is the best medicine. But if you're laughing for no reason, you need medicien.

   Why is it when I misplace my cell phone it set on silent

   I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.

   Bring a side? Like, of alcohol?

   No, I don't want to hold your baby. It looks sticky.

   Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.

   My only form of communication today is shaking my head.

   Until they get this spell-check problem with the iPhone fixed, it would be best not to text your wife and tell her she is looking fit.

   Tom Steyer needs to be taken out and shot, resuscitated, and shot again.

   If the people I come in contact with daily could read my mind I'd get punch in the face alot.

   Thank you to all the Veterans enjoy this day of honor.

   I make jokes about being out of shape because it's soooo much easier than going to the gym.

   Yeah, so while you were perfecting your grammar in 12th grade English class, I was doing the teacher. I got the A.

   Now Russia is accusing Russia of meddling in Russia's internal affairs, and is demanding Russia register as a foreign agent by Monday.