Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Bieber getting tats is like putting racing stripes on a moped.

   Do you ever wonder what your pets biological parents would have named them?

   Just sneezed and felt something pop in my neck and my left hand went numb. Might have to put off my UFC career for another week.

   Unprotected sex is like using a credit card, enjoy now and pay later.

   If your wife tells you that your right. Is that sarcasm?

   Trick your neighbors into thinking that you’re a werewolf, by sleeping naked in their garden.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it a "Beanbag Chair" and not a "Sack of Sit"?

   I used to complain because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. So I asked him if he had any shoes I could have since he didn't need them anymore.

   You know you’re ugly, when you can’t even get poked on FB.

   Jeff Flake voted against disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina. And the guy hates Trump. Now that's saying something.

   Please pray for all the people at my last job. They're fine but they still work there

   I graduated at the top of my anger management class

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   Her: [seductively removes dress] I want you to rub me down there *points Me: [removes joint pain cream from cargo shorts] Is it knee pain?

   Daffy Definition #348 Iditarod: Monica Lewinsky's autobiography.

   Who needs a TV reality show when you have the GOP civil war to look forward to?

   If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.

   I get all the cardio I need by digging my own grave.

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office

   RIP Fats Dominoe. Even though I thought you died like 20 years ago it still hurts. Ain’t That a Shame”?