Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey if you guys see a chameleon, it's mine. If you don't, that ones mine too.

   it safe to take off my eclipse glasses yet?

   I hope that people I've hurt can find it in their hearts to forgive me. Those that hurt me, I hope you're aware of yourself rotting away as the earth reclaims your wretched flesh.

   The orange man tweets a meme of his golf ball hitting Hilary but cries like a lil spoilt brat when Alec Baldwin parody him on SNL. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   Misogynistic? So if he hit the golfball into a GUY's head, that would have been ok.

   Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.

   You know your life sucks when the therapist doesn't even return your calls.

   Just texted my boss "I think my computer's broke Boss replied: "Just give it to the IT guy" Me: "okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck Clown.

   BREAKING NEWS: Jerry Jones wants the NFL to investigate the Denver Broncos for Domestic Violence against the Dallas Cowboys

   Solution to the health insurance problem. Change the title from Obama care to trump care and trump will want to keep it.

   If I were a cannibal I'd only eat vegetarians, just for the irony...

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   How to make a Millennial laugh: Tell them there was a time when you knew your private information was safe in government hands

   Go ahead, keep making fun of millennials but you are gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   As a caucasian guy, I'm not allowed to say the "N word" but I can say "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and "Hi Dad."

   "Oh no, no, no! I'm a rocket man!" ~ KimJong Ung

   Obama is skinny because as a kid he always gave up his lunch money to bullies like he did as president to Iran and North Korea.

   I want to invent a product like prayer, an idea I sell people where no matter how much it fails and proves itself useless, they still think it's great and continue to use it!