Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   I shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I didn't drive there in the first place. Anyone missing a car?

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   Alcohol and calculas dont mix. Never drink and derive.

   A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   Thinking about opening a center for battered fish...

   Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off!

   I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates

   If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

   Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.

   Did you hear about a guy that overdosed on Viagra? Yep...it was an open casket funeral!

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   I went to a Mooslim birthday party laDamn if that wasn't the fastest game of Hot Potato I've ever seen!

   Q. How do Mooslims practice safe sex? A. They mark the camels that kick.

   I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my arse

   Monica Lewinsky has launched her new 'patriotic' theme designer dresses...they are available in red, white and blew

   Never join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

   When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.