Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know

   I'm back on my feet again!! Wait, false alarm the remote is right here.

   Being 'clean and sober' means I've showered and I'm headed to the liquor store.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   I see dead people. No wait, I take that back. I see people I want dead.

   Ladies; If you friend zone me you have to at least change clothes in front of me like you would a gay guy. Them are the rules.

   Every time a vending machine eats your dollar that's just Jesus telling you that you're fat.

   I don’t understand ads on p0rn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”

   How can I get on one of these disappearing planes?

   A toothbrush. If you let a woman bring one into your house, it’s no longer your house.

   People who only sleep with one pillow are the real terrorists.

   If you wear a tie with a short sleeve shirt you can walk into any RadioShack and start working.

   I go to a hair salon where you can get a hand job while you get your hair cut. It's your own hand though, and you have to be very discreet.

   My day has sucked so much I keep looking around to see if Rob Schneider is in it.

   All that glitters is not gold; its got daddy issues.

   The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies,probably because generally they are the same people!

   Diamonds are the hardest substance in the world. To get back from a woman.

   You know who else put mushrooms on their pizza? Hitler.

   In another dimension, I'm happy and sane. Please don't tell my wife.

   I have no problem expressing my feelings. *loads shotgun*