BEGO Funny Status Messages

   Google: "I have everything!" Facebook: "I know everybody!" Internet:"Without me, you all are nothing." Electricity: "Keep talking, bitc$es."

   Baby Shirt Idea: Did 9 months in solitary confinement

   If you don't think anyone loves you or cares about you, gimme me a call...I'll confirm that for you.

   The meanest thing you can ever do to a blind person is leave a plunger in the toilet.

   Dares you to go outside, throw a rock at your car and yell "LIKE A GOOD NEIGHBOR STATE FARM IS THERE!"

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.

   One day, I hope to be the person my dog thinks I am.

   BEST PICK UP LINE: I wasn't looking at your boobs, I was staring into your heart...no, I lied , your boobs are awesome.

   a girl ignoring you? Just ignore her ignoring you. Works every time.

   If a chick gets a tattoo of a horse on her boob, by the time she's 70, it'll be a giraffe!

   I only want two things in life: 1. Lose weight 2. Eat. 

   That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you're moving.

   Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.

   Want people to not mess with you? Put blue Gatorade in a Windex bottle and walk down the street drinking it.

   TIP OF THE DAY: If you can't afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.

   I called out my wife's name during sex and she walked in to see what I needed. Won't do that again.

   She wants to share a Facebook account? Run.

   Today, I was waiting for a call from a job I had applied for. When the phone rang, I ran as fast I could up the stairs, falling and slamming my shin on the way. The call? It was a women asking me, "Hi, do you have time to learn about our lord Jesus Christ

   The closest friends are the ones that know too much.

   I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."