Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who called them "homo erectus" and not... Wait, that's actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them "homo erectus".

   How good am I at the sex? Imgaine a symphonic rock concert played under a fireworks show while tripping on acid. I'm the opposite of that.

   Using "amazeballs" in a status is the best way to let everyone know you dropped out of cosmetology school

   "You complete me" ~ Me talking to my phone charger.

   "You look stunning in that outfit, but you'll look even better once I take it off" ~ Me, unwrapping beef jerky.

   "Can't adult today". That's cute 22 year old. Get a mortgage, manage a 401k, have a couple kids, then get back to me about being an adult.

   I was going to sweep her off her feet until she flew away on my broom.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   "Clean up in aisle 5" has a very different meaning in a porn shop.

   You look like the kind of girl that gets her sex tips from a grocery store tabloid.

   HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.

   I'll be doing book signings today at Barnes & Noble until they kick me out for writing in random books.

   Sir Roger Moore has died aged 89. His family are said to be shaken but not stirred.

   Let's forget about the remake of Dirty Dancing like we forgot about Bill Cosby

   Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it's an intervention.

   I had it made in the shade and then a limb fell on my head. FML.

   I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   I've never had an out-of-body experience. But I've had an out-of-experience body most of my life.

   It's not that I mind the neighbors having a cadaver dog. It's just that it keeps digging in my backyard.

   My meth lab on Farmville blew up. FML.