Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like drinking alcohol to lose weight.

   I am not usually one to brag, but I was able to get my daily recommended calorie intake for weight loss down in just one sitting!

   NASCAR killed Dale Sr and Dale Jr just killed NASCAR.

   i put my phone on plane mode and then it kicked my ass!

   Trump lost the trade war with Mexico, bwahahahahaha! Get use to losing all the time, with dump in office, America will keep on losing!

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Why don't family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7

   When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease

   You are catching up to the cool people, Happy Birthday!

   Trump said he would get rid of NAFTA in his 100 days in office. Now he says he's not going to scrap it afterall. Does this guy actually knows what he's doing???

   dont fart in an apple store, they dont have windows

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

   I hope instagram is still around in 10 years so I can show my kids what my food looked like in 2013

   Log off Facebook and go to church if you want to pray. Facebook was exclusively invented for spying and stalking

   Darth Vader could fall asleep in Imperial meetings and nobody would notice.

   Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.

   As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

   Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Except for imitation grape soda; real grapes have never quite gotten over that one..

   FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...