Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Arron Hernadez's lawyer: "Hang in there" Arron Hernadez: "will do"

   My wife is a sex object. Every time I want to have sex, she’ll object.

   Pro tip: If there's no man in the pictures, there usually isn't a man in the picture...

   My Therapist told me not to drink while I'm on my Meds but little does she know... I've been off my Meds for almost a week now!

   I eat my tacos over another tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.

   Yesterday was the ann'y of the OKC bombing but all the pathetic national news could talk about was Aaron Hernandez and Bill O'Reilly...

   My wife said I should stop using Facebook and take her to shopping, or else she'll hit my head on keyboard, but haha who caresbggsshhdggdhbgshhnnxggsgsbbie...

   Just got scammed out of $25.00, Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes. "Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

   Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.

   4/21 Happy National Suprise Drug Test Day!

   This Uber app is the worst dating site ever. A lot of dates but zero action...

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   I was on the bus today and farted. Four people turned around. I thought I was on the voice.

   I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through

   I wonder what some of the chants will be at the DC science march today? "What do we want? GRADUATED CYLINDERS When do we want them? NOW!"

   Being's today is Earth Day i'm gonna do my best to make sure it revolves around me.

   New US census report says nearly 1/3 of all millennials live with their parents. How many moulinyans live with their baby daddy?

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   Q: What's Better Than A Rose On Your Piano? A: Tulips On Your Organ.